Revising with Williams

"The President, as chief executive officer of the University, has overall responsibility for implementation of the Student Conduct Code and the student disciplinary process and has delegated its overall management to the Vice President for Student Affairs and the Director of Student Judicial Services."
-Original entry as taken from EMU Catalog, Policies: Student Conduct Code: Section II

"As chief executive officer of the University, (1) the president is responsible for (2) implementation of the Student Conduct Code and the student disciplinary process. (3) The president delegates (4) its overall management to the Vice President for Student Affairs and the Director of Student Judicial Services."
-Revision

(1): Changed the opening sentence so it was less choppy by putting important information on the right (68). This also eliminated the clutter of breaking the sentence up more than it needed to be.

(2): Changed "...has responsibility for..." to "...is responsible for..." Williams would call the original section of this sentence a "nominalization" because it is an abstraction of the original verb. (30) Changing "responsibility" to "responsible" makes the sentence much clearer.

(3): Changed two sentences into one by extracting and isolating the important idea of one long sentence into two smaller sentences (70). This makes the pacing of the paragraph a lot better and puts more emphasis on the idea.

(4): Changed "...and has delegated..." to "...delegates..." This original section is also a nominalization ( 30). Changing it also keeps the entire passage all in the same tense by eliminating the passive "delegated"(37).

These revisions really help a choppy paragraph flow a lot better by eliminating unnecessary elements that bog it down. The sentence is much easier to read and makes more sense with the revisions.